view member journals

Yes!! tomorrow is friday , i have been sleeping for the past one and a half day with this big headache since tuesday...definately not the best week...but i am feeling a little better. I think my feever broke this afternoon and i am actually getting hungry...hopefully be good enough to go back to work tomorrow, even its only the last day of the week the girls are busy and need me and i feel bad not being able to help out...I hate these days. On top of it all it was a gorgious warm day, at least plus ten which is hot for alberta...i would have loved to go for a walk with my dogs..i just was too sick....so back to bed i go and try to sleep some more...so i can go back to work. Hopefully the weekend will be gorgious...gnight...Dangles ;o((

I was once a plain peice of wood. And those around me have carved me into who I am today. I don't feel as if I am being whittled away anymore. There have been times that I have felt like if I did ONE more thing for someone else then I would be giving more than what I had to offer, and I would no longer be me. I have felt as if someone wanted to mold me or carve me into something I am not. I resisted... and kept my shape. My inner core, when I am strong in mind, keeps me strong in body. It isn't easy to do when you feel weak. And that is when people are most likely to carve away at you more... when you are weak. Keeping myself strong in mind requires me to keep my body strong. They intertwine with each other... it is all connected.

Wow i had the best evening last night, with the one person who i feel so safe in his arms, i had butterflies all evening, wanted to kiss him so badly...

i just felt to happy laying there with him, arms wrapped around each other, close enough to smell his skin...

it was magic...really was. ive never felt this way before.

=] <3

"My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living water, and dug out cisterns for themselves, cracked cisterns that can hold no water" (Jer. 2:13).

As I was sharing with someone what the Lord had shown me about approval, he showed me more. The scripture above says it all.

There is one source of all approval - Him. Any approval (blessing/declared to be satisfactory) that comes to me through others has its source in Him. And the fact is, we usually seek approval from those we esteem. I have a tendency to seek it from those I consider better than myself or higher than myself. All of this happens subconsciously, of course - but it happens nonetheless. And it affects my daily experience and relationships. The truth is this: that God alone is the source of my approval. Anytime I think a person is the source, I will be disappointed and hurt. God, in his mercy, has stacked the deck and cornered the market on approval. Thanks be to God!

I have a tendency to want the approval of certain others. So I looked up the word. After reading several definitions, here's my own:

Approval - 1. something given by another (like a blessing; in fact, it is blessing); 2. to be satisfactory or pleasing to another.

#1 is objective; #2 is subjective - and yet, both give tremendous insight into a root problem: I won't be pleasing and satisfactory at all times. Also, I won't always be given approval. Now, I'm talking on the human level. I will not please everybody all the time; I will fail others at some point. That's a given. The other side of the coin is that others can not give me what I need all the time; they will fail me at some point. This, too, is a given. Here's another fact to face: I do not know when the failures and disappointments will come; I just know they will. This is truth! And truth will set you free. But, like all truth, before it can do me any good, it has to be believed and accepted thankfully.

I'm sitting here by myself in the hotel room. Steven is downstairs working on some project downstairs in the lobby. Leaving me to be myself, im left alone with nothing else but my thoughts and feelings.

While, i'm glad to be going home back to sunny san diego (even tho i hear that its raining) i dont want to leave. I've found myself feeling so god damn comfortable. Sleeping next to him, waking up next to him- being in his arms. He makes love to me and i can do nothing but look into his eyes. I like.. no, i love the way he looks at me when he's inside me. our eyes connect and its just something special. Well, it is to me- i dont know what he thinks. He tells me i'm beautiful or how fucking hot I am. But you know men- for all i know, i could seriously just be being used for sex. It's nothing new to me- used and abused. Sometimes I wished I didnt feel. Just be able to enjoy the feeling, without having those feelings of wanting something more. Something deeper... i can't help it. i wear my fragile heart on my sleeve. I expect so much - i wish i expected NOTHING. Take it for what it is- day by day. But no.. i'm fucked up. i hurt myself.. for absolutely nothing. There's nothing for me to feel sad for. i should only be feeling happiness.. i really should. But its not like that. not at all. its that clock ticking inside of me. Wanting to know.. wished he would tell me how he felt. I can believe i even let my feelings known, and he doesnt really say anything.... not that he has to - probably haw nothing to say. Probably feels nothing- to that extend. Just enjoys my company- enjoys my body. nothing more nothing less. can't ask him- cuz he wont really answer..... i already know.

I'm watching him work across the table from him. His eyes so intense... i love his jaw line, so defined. glasses on, glasses off- he's so sexy. I really can't stand it.

It really is my fault. I'm just attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable to me when i all i want is their love. Or they are the men who show their love in ways that are unknown to me. He's already admitted he's not the romantic type of guy- and here i am, ms. hopeless romantic... mismatch in heaven? Do i just learn how to deal? I guess i have no other choice.

How I feel... ............................How I wish I felt...

ANGRY ....................................APPRECIATIVE

BRUTAL ..................................BALANCED

CRY..........................................CARING

DRAIN......................................DELIGHTFUL

EMPTY ....................................ECSTATIC

FRAGILE.................................FUN

GUILY......................................GUILTLESS

HATE.......................................HAPPY

IMPERFECT ...........................INVINCIBLE

JAGGED ................................JOYOUS

KAPUT ...................................KIND

LONELY .................................LOVELY

MASSIVE ...............................MAGNIFICENT

NEBULOUS...........................NICE

OBSOLETE ..........................ORANGE (favorite color)

PAIN .......................................PRECIOUS

QUESTIONABLE..................QUIET

RECONDITE ........................RARE

SECRETIVE .........................STRONG

TEMPORARY........................TENDER

UGLY .....................................UNDERSTOOD

VAGUE...................................VICTORIOUS

WEAK ....................................WONDERFUL

X-TREME...............................X-TRAORDINARY

YOUNG..................................YOUTHFUL

ZONKED................................ZANY

I NEVER THOUGHT...
Current mood: indescribable

� I don't normally do this, but I feel that I have to, cause holding my feelings inside and to myself is killing me....� Who new that I would lose someone so special? I never thought that the one I put my complete heart and soul into would just walk away so suddenly. I'm dying inside because I didn't even see it coming. All the dreams...marriage, kids, the house and just being happy with the man I thought was the one...SHATTERED!!! I can't help but day dream about the good times, and the way I felt when I was with him and the way I longed for him to be near me. But now, I' m lonely, I'm so deeply hurt, and worst of all I still can't imagine my life without him. See..at the same time it makes me think why did I bother, why put your heart into something thats not guaranteed, for it to just be stripped away from you? I know I shouldn't feel like this but... I have never felt a pain like this before and truthfully I thought I would be one of the lucky ones, to find something so real, so meant to be, and to never have to go through such unbearable pain. It's so hard cause I put up this font like everythings okay, like I'm happy, like I'm over it, but really my nights have been cold and lonely, filled with tears and heartache. Dang...why me? God...How do I get rid of this feeling?!!!� How do I once again fix that piece of my heart that been broken, to the point it's unfixable? I pray, for this to be okay, for everything to just feel normal. It's a fact that I truly loved like I never loved before and right now, I don't know if I ever will again. I am forever changed, and scared, cause I can't let this happen again and I'm trying my best not to become bitter over this because for some crazy reason I feel in my heart that everything will be okay and my dreams are still meant to come true, but at the same time why get my hopes up and set myself up for another possible failure. I don't know what to do....~Shanell

It's been so long since i've writtin in my journal. I am currently in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I'm visiting Steven on his business trip. I arrived last friday (the 15th). The weather, is crazy beautiful but crazy cold. Being from southern california, it was almost like a culture shock. The land.. its so flat and covered in snow. The air is so crisp and cold.

Seeing and spending time with steven is just so friggin great. I know i was really worried and nervous about coming out here, not knowing what to expect.But things are going really well. We've gone to dinner and just spending a lot of quality time together. He's really.. growing on me. Even tho when i met him i knew i wanted to spend time with him.Sleeping next to him, waking up to him- its really something. Never in my life, have i felt so sure, so comfortable to be with someone. It always takes me a while to warm up, per se. It's kind of a shame i'm leaving in two days. I really wish i was staying until he came home. I just want to spend time with him- i miss him the second he leaves in the morning.

i loved him so much then found out he was cheating wif my best mate on me !?!?!?

he says he still really loves me but y should i be wif him !!!!!

except the main problem is i love him to !!!!